I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
