i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize