i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
