I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
