hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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