i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
