please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
