Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
