mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
