im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
