i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
