You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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