I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
