dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
