I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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