I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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