dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she told me i tasted like america
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
