i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
