1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize