I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
