i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
