i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
