Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
