he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
