So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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