Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize