Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
