Everything about him screamed your future.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
