Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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