I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
