Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
