Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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