he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
