Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
