I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
