can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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