if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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