I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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