this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
