he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
