Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
