If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
