Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
