Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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