That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
