Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
