GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
