I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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