i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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