he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
