your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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