Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
