his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
