proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
bring money and cleavage
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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