It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
