I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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