Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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