I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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