I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
